The ex-Presidents Luncheon

How you doing, gentlemen, you all look pretty chipper today. Hope you have plenty to eat, because I missed breakfast and I'm hungry enough to... Hey, what are you doing... stop that... Hey! HEY! Yiiiiii!

Noogie time!

Atomic wedgie, Mister President? Atomic wedgie, Mister President!

Woo woo woo woo! ... AIYEEE! Help, Secret Service guys, give me a hand here!

Sorry, Mister President, you appear to be outranked.

I never thought I'd live long enough to say this, but I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my foot, Mister President.

Whoa there, Jimmy Carter, what the fuck is wrong with you? You can't kick the president-elect, you big baboon.

I told you it was a mistake to invite that idiot. Jimmy Carter ruins everything. Jack! Get this idiot out of here, would you?

Yes sir, Mister President. Come on, Jimmy Carter, we're putting you on that mid-day train to Georgia.

Would someone mind telling me just what the hell is going on around here?

I'm sorry, Mister President, we kinda got off to a bad start, I guess. President Clinton is right - Jimmy Carter does ruin everything. Anyway, this lunch was supposed to be your initiation into the ex-Presidents Club. So, uh, welcome...

Huh. Well, I guess since I've already been initiated, you might as well tell me about this club of yours. And let me have one of those bratwursts while you're talking.

It's a secret society, Mister President, one that very few people know about. The ex-Presidents club was started by Dwight Eisenhower in 1955, and has existed in one form or another ever since. And the exciting news for you is that the current commander in chief gets to be the president of the ex-Presidents Club.

Huh. So with everything else going on, I get to be leader of your ex-Presidents Club as well... Hope you don't mind me smoking. So, what exactly does this club of yours do?

Well, for one thing, we do lunch...

Do you think that we might be able to observe that custom right now?

Jack! Bring this man a bratwurst, pronto.

Yes sir, Mister President. Would you like some horseradish with that, Mister President?

No thanks, Jack, I'll just have it on a bed of arugula. Well, doing lunch is okay, but surely there must be more to the ex-Presidents Club than that. Or is there?

Heck, yeah! We have special missions, and we go on exciting adventures. Like when I was leader of the ex-President's club and we had that trouble in Yugoslavia, we received a report that Slobodan Milošević would go to a certain bath house every Thursday night. So President Bush and President Ford and I were air-dropped in with a contingent of Marines. We managed to subdue all of Milošević's guards, shut off the hot water, and steal all of Slobodan's clothes.

He had to walk two miles in the freezing cold back to his camp, wearing nothing but his skivies. Seems like the Serbs had a prohibition against looking at their president in the buff, so nobody would give him a ride.

Gee, Dad, I never heard that story before.

Well, son, it's all right there in the 'Secret History of the ex-Presidents' log book. Since you've become such a big reader the past couple of years, maybe you should crack it open some time.

I will, Dad, just as soon as I'm an ex-president. So, Mister President, since it's going to be your call, I'm assuming that you'll keep the three of us in the ex-President's Club, right?

Uh, sure. Sure thing.

That's real fine news, Mister President. Just let me give you a little presidential advice, though. Don't ever ever think about letting Jimmy Carter into the club, no matter how hard he begs.

I'm proud to say that he was never a member when I was the leader, and I know for a fact that President Reagan never let him in either. My son might have thought about it, however...

Who, me? No way. Jimmy Carter was just here for the photo-op, dad. I guess I was just feeling historical or something, I dunno.

Sure, son, but you did let him see the sacred initiation rite. And even though President Clinton had him thrown out, I think for a moment there he felt like he belonged...

Aww, dad, why do you have to pick on me in front of all the other presidents.

It's all right, Mister President. Your dad just isn't fond of Jimmy Carter, that's all. Hey, if nobody else is going to eat, I'd love another one of those bratwursts.

Jack! Would you get President Obama another bratwurst over here? And some more beans.

Here, take mine instead. I've... I've kind of lost my appetite. Mister President, as our new leader, I was just wondering, since we have a vacancy with Carter... My son Jeb, he was never president, but if there was any justice at all in life he would have been. And as a kindness to an old man, I wonder if you could see it in your heart to...

Whoa, look at the time! Gotta run, Mister Presidents, but I'll give you a call after I get settled in. Maybe we can do lunch.