FoodSaver Funnies

Yo, Case - lookee here! The horseradish root was drying out, so I decided to seal it in a bag. Kinda forgot about it until I saw this "pillow" in the vegetable bin. Don't know what sort of gas is there, but fairly certain I don't want to breathe it - so cutting it open. like "Five", is right out. Maybe I should throw it out, though the alternative of just letting it go until it explodes is a possibility.

looking out looking in

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this 'Republican Mom & Dad Inc. bailin' out Junior's swollen member' thing has a familiar feel and ring. feels like a common settlement negotiation. so smooth, so well structured, thoroughly lawered. happens all the time, probably used standard forms. "Elsie print out a set of the B20 series." perhaps an off-contract addendum to allow for one more Ka-Pow.

ya know what else happens from time to time?

Republican Mom & Dad Inc. pays for a fancy abortion and silence.

whatever. but here is one thing I know like breathing: Sen. johnny handsome fuckerfaster is 51 years old, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST PAYOFF. you can take that to the bank, get a free toaster and a handjob.
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"Actually" is still actually being applied redundantly

From Tornado Potato over at NPR...

The Tornado Potato's one drawback: It can be shared easily.

"One person can hold the stick and multiple people can actually pull pieces off if they like," Crossley says.

And just how else might multiple people pull pieces off it if they like? Metaphorically? Figuratively? Literally? Symbolically? Rhapsodically? Quixotically? Erotically? And which might be the most offensive? Why do people still use this dumb word?

Lox Project: Part 3, an unwelcome plot point occurs

Cue a bit of pastoral music here, maybe even bucolic even though that sounds like some kinda plague. Maybe even Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune, even though that sounds like a baby deer. It's a summer morning, early, say 4:00 am, not afternoon at all, and we have this stinky gin-soaked fish to deal with. No problem, this is the easy part. It's 65 degrees out and we've thoroughly tested the cold-smoking aparatus on the Bradley smoker and know we can keep it 15 degrees above ambient, no problem. That would be 80 degrees and we're okay with cold-smoking salmon up to 90. Let's oil the skin and sleepwalk our way through this....

We have the smoker set up on its Coleman folding table, in the arrangement that has always kept us in the desired temperature range. Looks okay, all the connections look solid, it's plugged in and loaded with alder bisquettes. All we gotta do is throw the salmon in and keep an eye on the gin...

That looks about right....

Smoke is flowing through nicely...

UH-OH! The temperature alarm is going off! It has hit 90 and is heading to 95!

First aid - lets try packing ice in the drip pan at the bottom...

UH-OH! 90...91..92! Pull the plug. We don't want to cook the salmon. Let's try this again tomorrow.

Yeah, it's the dog days and that's a really dumb time to be cold-smoking, but a few adjustments made during the day got the temperature differential down. First was raising the smoke generator up so you get an elbow in the tube coming out of it - this relies on convection to cool the air slightly as it comes down the pipe.

You can't see it very well here because of the smoke, but I used another pants hanger to put an aluminum foil "wall" in the smoker, separating the area where the smoke comes in from the temperature probe and salmon filet. This saves a few more degrees. Right now, it's 78 outside (and dropping!) and the smoker is holding steady at 87. This concludes the undesired plot point.

something new under the sun

House Republicans today accused CIA Director Leon Panetta of misleading Congress by indicating that the CIA had mislead Congress from 2001 until earlier this year. "This is politics at its basest level," said Peter Hoekstra, ranking GOP member of the House Intelligence Committee. "I guess we're all supposed to believe that under George Bush we got hoodwinked but now in the shining light of the architect of the new depression, we're getting the unvarnished truth. Where are the jobs, Mr Panetta, do you have any intelligence about that? Not that I'd believe anything you said anyway." "Somebody smite me," said GOP Whip Eric Cantor. "The CIA is in the truth telling business, and to indicate that somehow, someway, they decided to set aside their best practices while George Bush was in office, that just boggles the mind. Where are the jobs? This looks to me like an attempt to give aid and comfort to Nancy Pelosi and her Socialist hordes." "Never in it's history has the CIA tried to mislead Congress," said Minority Leader Boehner. "Never, that is, before Barack Obama came into office. Now I guess I should have been psychologically prepared for Obama's lackey to lie about lying in an attempt to tarnish George W Bush, but I've got to say that this is the greatest fabrication I have seen since I’ve been in Congress. Although not as big as the one I expect to hear from the president when I ask him where those jobs are." "Shreeeeee! Shreeee glack bulghum," exclaimed resident loony Michele Bachman. "Fragulka snnug jobs? Now innnnfiltrate unmercan CIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

all Nazi all the time. this Obama guy is too much, has Barack Insane Obama done anything non-hitlery today? did he brush his teeth just like hitler? you betcha. how many legs at a time did he put in his pants? was it one, just like hitler? did he choose the cole slaw over the jello salad? I bet he did, hitler loved cole slaw. see.

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Baucus prefers that the sucking of his dick not stop
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'work'space getting crowded

here's one I put together for 'Duff', gone at 51

thanks for all the laughs dude, both ways

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another couple old friends die
51, 55
it's a dangerous summer to be alive

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Curiouser...

Why does nearly every web page I visit these days have an ad about a Carrboro woman who lost 42 pounds?

"I found it..." Found what, Congressman Boehner? "My train of thought. Sometimes that train jumps the track and you can't tell what station it's going to arrive at. The other day I was talking about Sarah Palin to a colleague and next thing I noticed I had slipped into a diatribe about 'The Last of the Mohicans'. I had to read that in school when I was just a little Boehner. Hated it." Uh huh. Is that the statement you wanted to make? “Statement? Oh, heavens no. I wanted to say that I found it interesting, not the book but the topic I intend to address now, which is that I found it interesting over the last couple of days to hear Vice President Biden and the president mention the fact that they didn’t realize how difficult an economic circumstance we were in.” Okay... What did you find so interesting about it? "Interesting? It wasn't interesting, just like the Mohicans book. You would think that for a young lad a book with Indians and soldiers would be interesting. It was appalling." So you called up Politico to tell us that you found 'The Last of the Mohicans' appalling? "No, just boring. Of course I just made it through the first fifty pages or so. Still managed to get a C on my book report, as I recall. But I really don't want to talk about books right now, I just wanted to say that what Obama and Biden had to say about the economy, whew boy, what a whopper." A whopper? "I wouldn't mind one. I do tend to like Burger King more than McDonalds, although I generally try and stay away from fast food. The last time I was there, though, I tried that new burger they have called the Angry Whopper. It's like a Double Whopper but with pepperjack cheese and jalapenos on it. And they put onion rings on the top. I don't know why the hell they do that. I picked em off, but I still had the runs for two days." But back to topic, what about the Obama and Biden economic statements gave you offense? "Back on topic? You're the one who brought up burgers, Alex. Irregardless, when they said they didn't know how bad the economy was, I thought this is the greatest fabrication I have seen since I’ve been in Congress." Really? Because I saw that more as an admission that they had miscalculated the extent of the crisis. But even if you were to construe it as a deliberate attempt to mislead, I don't see how it could rival Bush's claim of WMDs, for example, or Clinton's denial of infidelity." "Of course you would say that, because as a journalist you feel a need to be provocative, whereas I, as House Minority Leader, feel a need to open my mouth and let the chips fall where they may. Hold on a sec... Dammit, that Eric Cantor is the greatest thief I've ever seen since I've been in Congress. I had a bag of Route 11 Mama Zuma potato chips that I just opened up this morning... Nothing left in here but crumbs. Dammit man." Okay, Congressman Boehner, anything else you'd like to add to your statement? "Statement? No, they're just really good chips, that's all."

The lox project. Part 2 - drying the salmon

Why, you might wonder, would you need a humidifier if you're going to dry something out? Well, you don't want it to dry out too fast. If the surface dries out, moisture gets trapped within. This is called "case-hardening" and it is not a good thing. Keeping the humidity in the drying room (aka "spare bathroom" here) allows the moisture to escape slowly and gently.

The salmon has spent 36 hours in the refrigerator. To continue, we'll need a pair of scissors to get it out of the bag, a chopstick, a pants hanger, and our trusty spray bottle filled with good gin. First, taste the gin to make sure it hasn't "gone bad." If still uncertain, taste it again. You do not want to use bad gin on the precious salmon!

Cut the end off the FoodSaver bag and remove the salmon.

Remove the parchment and peel off the cheesecloth with the layer of seasoning spices. At this point, the salmon should smell like a slightly fishy martini. Ummmm.

Blot the salmon flesh to remove any excess salt and cure.

Place the salmon tail in the pants hanger with the chopstick as shown.

Fold the tail over the chopstick and secure with the pants hanger. This tasty section will be cut off after the salmon has finished smoking and the chef will consume it.

Hang the salmon from a shower curtain rod. Put some paper towels beneath it, in case it drips. Set the humidifier at 70%, mist the salmon with the gin again, turn out the light, and shut the door. Check it every few hours and mist occasionally. We're waiting for a "pellicle" to form, a layer on the skin that looks "glassy-eyed." This can happen in a few hours, but it doesn't hurt to give it 24 hours. Once the pellicle has formed, the salmon is ready to embrace the smoke. If you choose not to smoke it, you have gravlox when this step completes, and it may be eaten just like that, maybe with a little more gin...

Did you miss Part 1? Well, here it is!

Would y'all like some more-a? - it's right here on the flora...

sarah will soon have a political operation where she will have complete control of everything. every decision will be palin approved, except for the wrong ones, and since there is no wrong in Palintown, America Street, God's Golden Acres, we won't be having any of that. she will be in charge like a Martha Stewart doll manipulated by a tipsy teen; do everything be everywhere, a supercalifragilistic multitasker. if something good happens somewhere, sarah will be there to stand beside it and spout whatever gibberish is escaping that day. there will be so many 'fresh breaths of Alaskan air' expelled, satellites will be able to track her carbon footprint. the danger that I see as unavoidable, is overexposure. much as I love her I can feel the mood of the room, and we're about to start finding little miss stand up and stumble, less funny. we're coming up on the second season, of a boffo fresh new show that slipped into repetition by the end of the first. now as cliffhanger episodes go, this one is not bad, although it does feel like we're seeing her in mid-shark jump. it kills me to type these words. also too, boo hoo.
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this is me, beat and bedraggled after hour and a half of beach volleyball and a dip in a cold pond. Ahriana is pretending to have a mustache. that was the joke for about ten minutes, funny every time. we also decided 'broke for good' should be 'broke for bad'.
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a quick note, particularly for my fellow Aristocrats, who may wonder why I've missed posting so many days as of late while not on a beach or something (family illness taking me out of town, and it will probably go on for a while). Anyway, before I forget it, a real life story that made my day better... Overheard in the nursing home. Three ancient ladies in a perfect row in three identical wheelchairs, all facing an elevator that they have no intention of entering. L1 (forcefully): I keep thinking of Michael Jackson today... L2: ...Michael Jackson... L3 (wistfully): ...remember Michael Jackson... L1: Michael Jackson L2: ...Michael Jackson... L3: Who's Michael Jackson? L1 (authoritatively): He was a great comedian.

see the fire

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see the monster in the fire

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why?

they love her because she's a bold liar
note I didn't say good liar
she believes evidence is a liberal plot
comes right out with it

add in two C cups of all-American cheerleader style
milffy gilffy and not smarter than you

she's a boner in church that is AOK
one the congregants will admire

she gives the higher brain functions
a complete rest, full stop

of course they love her
it's a match made in heaven, LITERALLY
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she's a fighting quit fisher, a fiquisher: one who fights while quitting and fishing

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shorter bill kristol: it's good that the rapid raccoon tore into your hand and ankle, put you in the hospital, a good thing of course. the strategy is nothing short of brilliant. bravo, also.
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I'd like to double my wager on 'the thing' being Todd's humpin' of the Appalachian Tail. I'm sayin' he's had relations with whisker biscuits other than sarah's and my spidey sense tells me there's a little Toddlina out there (let's call her Domelight) and somebody powerful (maybe someone newly powerful, wink nudge) is clutching a DNA match.

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Critics are spinning spinning spinning
so hang in there as they feed false info ofey ofo
on the right decision made in the shade in the shade
as I enter last yr in office I don't feel the need
do the deed stop the bleed
to make any sense stop making sense

to not run again in these running shoes
unless I do, unless I doose
running shoes got the blues

the red white and blues, bless the troops
have I shown you my broke baby lately?

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shorter every palin apology column: if she was/is or becomes a different person and we can imagine how that different person would've/is/will react to stuff, I'm sure it all would've/is/will come out like roses. ya know, like if she bones up on the issues.

ta da, and here is a perfect example
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supersaturated. that term comes to mind when reading anything Ross Douthat. he is full of shit yes of course, but RD goes the extra mile to supersaturated. that's what gets you a column in the noo york times.

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easy answers to simple questions: never.
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Dreaming is Free...

We're gonna make some lox! (Part 1, the dry box cure)

Start out with some good salmon. This is sockeye, notice that it is bright red. It costs about $14 a pound and this side was 2 1/2 pounds. You can get farm-raised salmon for $5 a pound. It makes good cat food, better than store-bought, but lox is for people. Put the salmon on some paper towels and pull out all the pin bones with a pair of needle-nose pliers.

Flip the salmon over and spray the skin with olive oil. Rub it in with your fingertips.

Place the salmon on a sheet of parchment, wide enough to fold over it lengthwise. Mix 1/2 teaspoon curing salt (Prague Powder #1) with 3 tablespoons kosher salt.

Sprinkle the salt mixture over the salmon flesh and rub it in, rub it in.

Cover that with a double layer of cheesecloth.

Mist the cheesecloth with some good gin or aquavit, soak it good.

Spinkle the cheesecloth with a mixture of spices. I'm using a tablespoon each of coaresly ground coriander, juniper berries, and grains of paradise. I threw in a bit of allspice too. Then you mist it with the gin again.

Fold the parchment over the top of all that.

If you have a FoodSaver, slip it into a custom cut bag.

Seal it up and put it in the refrigerator for at least 24 hours.

(To be continued)

gun

Former President Bush reacted angrily to a report appearing in the New York Times that matter-of-factly states that when the Bush presidential library opens in 2013, one of the artifacts to be displayed will be Saddam Hussein's enormous handgun. The supersized Glock 18C has long been one of Bush's prized possessions, ranking alongside a Cooperstown baseball bat signed by all the living Hall of Famers and a gold-plated slinky presented to him by Pope John Paul. "It doesn't seem right to me that when you lose your job they should just be able to come in and take all your stuff," said Bush, standing protectively by the colossal pistol. "I can kinda understand the baseball bat, cause even though it's mine, baseball belongs to the American people. And the slinky, well I was kinda tired of playin with it anyway. But the gun is mine, as Michael Jackson would say, the doggone gun is mine." Bush lawyers are prepared to seek an injunction, claiming that the humongous Glock is immune from a Federal statute which states that gifts to public officials valued at over $420 become the property of the government. "In the first place, that's socialism plain and clear," says Bush, who claims he would have acted to overturn that restriction if he had known it applied to him. "And in the second place, it wasn't a dang gift. Saddam Hussein didn't want me to have that gun, I took it from him, figuratively speakin, in my role as commander of the armed forces. So I'm thinkin that maybe they can have that gun when they can pry it from my cold dead fingers. This is a second amendment issue, somehow or another. Just kiddin about the cold dead fingers part, though. It'd be crazy to like the second amendment that much." "I've lost so much already," Bush says wistfully. "For example, my beautiful rug from the Oval Office, that's gone, even though Laura's the one who designed it. I've called Obama half a dozen times and he's just actin like it's his now. So I'm tellin you straight, they can't have my gun, even if it is for my own dang museum. And they better not try. Cause I've got a gun."

what's wrong?

they don't want me at the tea party, boo hoo hoo hoo
I never wanted to go to that dirty old thing, so stupid
boo hoo hoo hoo, I hate those guys

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must read poem where I explain about the future

when I'm a pile of dust and frisbee's on the roof
historians of note will be feted for the observation
that sarah rockin' all american conservative middle-aged fuck candy palin

the vp choice of her
by our hero in neck skin john bombbomb mccain

was the weighted net thrown over the struggling swimmer
that was bushbattered republicanism

sealing the deal of decline with a wink
they jumped from seaside cliff on paper wings of palin
their choice of her a windexed view into the cold soul

and the ice cream with our pie
bill kristol did it
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Some UK Humor (Thanks, Ros!)

Gordon the Rooster

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

The Theology of Gravity

I explain the Theology of Gravity at the above link.

must read post where I explain about boobs and clocks and a wounded beast

here's a bit of schadenfreude for yer Sunday: two ridiculous men, two political clowns, john bombbomb mccain and bill babysbuttface kristol, must pretend for the rest of their days that sarah mistakebythelake palin is bright and clever.
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deep thought: sarah p didn't quit governating to run for prez, she's going for recognition as the returned Jesus. or something right next door, bank it. here's a link from Mark with some background. sarah ain't lookin' ta grow the repug party, she's aimin' ta tear off a hunk of the flopping wounded beast. and that she will do.
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funnier and truer than shit stinks

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as I've said before, bargains don't know nuthin' 'bout yesterday, they are all about tomorrow. right now, long republican futures is the sucker bet.
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spoke on Ryan's cellular telephone to Florida niece Dawn just as the fireworks started last night and during the conversation her sister-in-law Penny who I've oft admired gave me a big shout out and Dawn executed the relay. I instructed Dawn to give Penny a monster hug and she promised me yes and a full boobs on boobs hug ta boot. which they barely need to be in the same room to accomplish if ya get my meaning and I'm sure you do. I told Dawn she had set me to attention for the next two weeks, if y'all cotton my drift and I betcha you do. we laughed and laughed.
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Jane Eyre is such a stupid book. there's a maybe half human half wild beast on the third floor that has tried to burn up Master Ugly Puss in his sleep and also ripped a mysterious guest apart with teeth or claws or whatever dude. and it's la de da who what huh nobody cares, happens all the time, never happened, let's get married. major plot points are dropped into the story like bricks flying through a china soup tureen and then they disappear. and I'm over here shouting "what about the brick? remember there was soup and blood everywhere? what the hell!" and the super phony garlic baloney dialogue, sheesh, it's enough to wear a boy out. one might say they walk all the way around the barn to say a thing, if the barn was a light year in perimeter. or if they do finally get around to saying that thing, you've caught the pattern and you know they will be proceeding at about the same pace to say it again. now let's try and say it so all the clocks fall asleep. lookout a brick! let's take a stroll in the garden.
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yeah right like I trust Sen. Chuck 'some form of it' Schumer. he might stick a rabbit in there and call it the public option bunny.
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Marion Barry can't catch a break...

link "Hey. You lookin to party?" "Yes I am. Indeed I am. You are absolutely correct in your assumption. Partying is the very thing that was on my mind. I saw you standing there and..." "Well, if I party with you, I'm gonna need me some cab money to get back home." "I understand what you're saying, mama. Don't want to be out here walking the streets, heh heh heh... How much do you think a cab is going to cost this time of night?" "Two bills." "Two hundred dollars? My goodness, that is one outrageously expensive cab company. And to be honest, my thoughts right now are that, while I do very much want to party with you, I don't intend to party all night, I sure don't, so maybe I could just turn on some music and take you around the corner for something to eat..." "Well, I guess I could get a cab back from around the corner for about eighty." "Sounds reasonable to me. Come round the side here and hop on in, and let's get this party started." "You not a cop are ya? Cause I don't party with the cops." "No ma'am, I most certainly am not an officer of the law. As a matter of fact, I don't care to party with the police, either." "Wait a second... You that guy." "That guy? I'm not sure who..." "You're Marion Barry." "Guilty as charged. And to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?" "You get outta here, Marion Barry. You just go." "Now wait a second, Miss. I thought we were in the middle of making party arrangements." "Ain't no partyin tween me and Marion Barry. You drive on outta here, motherfucker." "Listen here, bitch, I'm..." "Help, police, help! Marion Barry, Marion Barry! Helllllp!" "Oh man..."

happy 5th of July

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and forever and ever also too as well:

dear sara, the stubider ur, the beterer we luv u. GOD BLESS!!!!

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some have suggested that perhaps palin, and also too the pundits who are finding strategic ponies in her crazy tree, are smoking crack. I beg to differ. you see, smoking crack is politics as usual and our hero is anything and everything butt. what she and they are doing is dribbling the crack down the court into a press with their heads up, and then stuffing the crack up their asses. analogically of course.

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Fire, meet gasoline...

(AP) The abruptness of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's announcement and the mystery surrounding her plans has fed widespread speculation, but Palin attorney Thomas Van Flein on Saturday warned legal action may be taken against bloggers and publications that reprint what he calls fraudulent claims.

(AP will probably sue you too if you quote any of their fraudulent claims)

Update: Yo, doggies! Van Flein is only going after people who "reprint" fraudulent claims. That means, if you make an original fraudulent claim, you have nothing at all to worry about! Here's my entry: "Sarah Palin gave Mark Sanford a blowjob on the Appalachian Trail." Just don't repeat it or you will be in a heap o' trouble!

Happy 4th of July!

Whatecer ever you do, don't go blowin' yer nuts off with some goddamn fircracker!

Jamison Foser: "Palin's speech is the Big Lebowski of politics: gets funnier every time you watch it."
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satirists hit the unemployment lines

'popular' republican political movements now complete with new and improved self-mocking features

" ...a rally in Dallas that organizer Phillip Dennis promises will be “the biggest Tea Party in the history of Tea Parties.”

“change is being delivered in a tea bag.”

"...attendance and news value of the events looked to be lower than that of the April rallies. Tea Party organizers are counting, instead, on local news coverage and on distributed reporting such as the conservative news site PajamasTV..."

"According to Jenny Beth Martin, a national organizer of Tea Party Patriots, there are advantages to media hype and to media indifference."

“The idea for the balls campaign came to me as I was sitting around waiting to go on at a Tea Party event this past Monday,” said Valentine. “People are just beginning to send their balls to their senators.”
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Horiday greetings from the Beroved Reader

Good morning, United States of Imperiarism. Happy fourth of Juri. By the way, just in case you were wondering, those exprosions you heard in the sky this morning were not fireworks. Indeed they were not. They were your most horriber nightmares coming true. Those were greetings from the Democratic Peopers Repubric of North Korea. Bwahahaha. Do not threaten us with retariation or you wirr quickry find yourserves obriterated. Any resistance wirr prove futire Hey! Hey! Pay attention. Big story here! We just raunched missers! Rarge barristic missers of the type strictry prohibited by your useress United Nations Security Councir. Would you rike to do something about it? I bet you woud, but instead you are probabry trembering rike an infant. Oh come on, admit it, our missers must have shown up on your useress radar screens. Why didn't they show up on your CNN? State secret? It won't be a secret for rong. What about your saterrites? I can't berieve for one moment that your saterrites did not capture the grory of our raunch. Hey! Hey! What is that praying on your radio? Miker Jackson? Forget about your dead and ineffectuar King of Pop - he cannot save you now. You want to be starting something? We are bad, we are bad, we are rearry rearry bad. We wirr give you a rear thrirrer, Obama, it does not matter if you are Barack or white. Bwahahahaha. Barack or white, that is a good one. I must give credit to Kim Jong-un for assistance with popurar curture refference. What? You were ristening to news of the quitter Sarah Parin and not to North Korea's mighty roar? I should terr you that our missers are now easiry capaber of reaching her beroved Araska. You show weakness in even considering such a woman for your reader. She would be nothing but another George Bush, much rike Barack Obama after him and Birr Crinton before him. You are arr George Bush in the eyes of the worrd. Don't brame me, imperiarist America, you are the country that invented the stereotype You may now return to eating your hot dogs sandwiches and drinking your Mirrer Rite beer, America, now that you have been thoroughry ararmed. Happy fourth of Juri! Did I mention that we have giant robots?

the unquitting

breaking SARAH PALIN BOMBSHELL ....she's unsaying yesterday's announcement, backing out of the backing out, re-advancing in a stationary direction and quitting the quitting which technically she hadn't even started yet, if you want to get all technical about it, and she does. or is it that she doesn't? shit I don't know anymore, whichever is the crazier position.

"I've spoken to many friends and supporters who have pleaded with me to stay on, and I got down on my knees and spoke with God last night and He also wants me to remain as Alaska's governor. And finally I polled the most important people in my life, my kids, where the count was unanimous. Well, in response to asking: “Do you want me to make a positive difference and fight for all our children’s future from inside the governor’s office?” It was four "do whatever the fuck you want Mom" and one “dinosaurs rule!” And the “dinosaurs rule” sealed it." -Regovernator Sarah Palin

oh yeah, nice vp choice there john mccain. douchebag.
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shorter sarah: quitters are the real winners, they never quit.
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What to do when you drop your cell phone in a bucket of water.

Thursday, I dropped my cell phone in a bucket of water. (Don’t ask!) It went straight to the bottom, like a rock. When I called Verizon, they told me that the phone was probably ruined and that I would have to replace it.

I believe deeply and passionately in everything corporate America says to me. I mean, would they lie?

During the summer, I keep my winter clothes in a large tub, which I store underneath the steps. Since its a little damp down there, I drop a rechargeable desiccant in the tub. I also have a Food Saver™ that vacuum seals food.

Thursday night, the Angel of the Lord came to me in a dream and said, “Put your fucking cell phone, battery and desiccant in a plastic bag and vacuum seal it, asshole!”

So, I did as he commanded and left it there for 24 hours.

The phone works like a charm.

So there, Verizon!

Addendum: This proceedure could be problematic for a flip phone since the creation of a vacuum could snap the top off. So, place a small nut between the two halves of the phone and secure it with a rubber band. This will allow the moisture to be drawn off the keypad without damaging the phone.

Incredible

Did Sarah Palin really say "Only dead fish go with the flow"?

You know, as an Ohio State fan, it makes me feel bad that Michigan has been such a loser the past few years. You want your rivals to lose, but you don't want them to look ridiculous because that cheapens your victories over them. Likewise, I don't want the Republicans to win elections, but I don't want them to look like a herd of dumbasses either. Say, just what is the collective noun for "dumbasses?" An "exaltation," like larks? A "wake," like buzzards? Kindle? Quiver? Convocation?

Anyway. looks like the handbasket has pretty much reached its destination.

here's the sexy orchid pic I promised the talented and beautiful Freida Bee, MD

a freeper comment, sorry for the length guys but I couldn't force myself to abridge this masterpiece

Gov Sarah Palin is that clean Breath of Alaskan air that is foreign to the smog gaspers in DC and just can’t handle. No, they are so used to inhaling the smoke they’re choking down like it is for everyone. Well America knows when they see the real thing and long to taste that cool breeze. We don’t like the slick rehearsed bilge but prefer common sense and American values. That is why the Libs hate politicians like Reagan, Bush, Thatcher or Truman since they don’t have complex answers trying to message their lies. No, the Palins of the World just tell you what they think from the hip and let the PC ninnies feign outrage.
Gov Palin irritated the ruling class of elitists both left and right when she said she didn’t care what they thought. That stuck her in the class of Bush/Reagan since she clearly embarrassed the Chablis sipping Republican avant guard. These so called conservatives who live in either DC or the Upper East Side claim to be conservative yet attend all the A list parties, don’t want to have to explain Gov Palin to their smug friends. They have to try to explain what it is to hunt or fish as well as tell their friends that there is somewhere besides the NE corridor. No these conservatives are more like Hilary than Sarah. Their idea of camping is having the windows open at the Hamptons, where they call fishbait; Sushi.
Most Conservatives who are unashamed pro-life, hunting, fishing, drilling for oil, raging heterosexual hayseeds; enjoy leaders who have backbones. We love Gov Palin as well as heroes who will sacrifice their freedom for ours and don’t need some sweet talking metrofag telling us why we should be ashamed of our Country. No we love our wives, families and Country just like Gov Palin. We respect and thank her for the fact that she is willing to risk her son for her Country. That is a sharp stick in the eye of the Cut&RunocRats. She’s not bitter that she’s an attractive woman and is wise enough to know what a gift that is. She is us and we are her.
Gov Palin is a leader in the mold of Harry Truman, willing to go after corruption wherever that may be. She found Republican dirt in Anchorage and made sure it was eliminated and now she is ready to take that Columbo Overcoat to the District of Corruption. This is the rare breath of crystalline air America has lacked, making the Establishment nervous. Many of those elites know that if corruption is seriously rooted out, their friends could be in prison. So like always, DC circles the wagons, wanting to kill the calvary, which is their Stalincrat way.
The sad part is that some of our token conservatives like Georgie Will and Peggy Nooner are being tools for their liberal colleagues. You know, those Poopitsir Prize scribes who haven’t had an original idea in 20 yrs. They are the porch monkeys for the DNC as they turn their backs on Conservatism to be allowed on the veranda. These conservative Uncle Toms know that if they attack a Republican they get instant cred, a couple of back pats and an extra helping of brie. At least Judas got 40 pieces of silver.
Gov Sarah Palin has brought a freshness as well a fun ladylike charm to a Party that has been lacking for the last few decades. The femihags have told us that women can either be successful or have a family. Oh yeah, they reluctantly agreed that you could be a Hilary and have one child if it is raised by the state. They showed their true allegiance when they supported BJ and slutted every woman he assaulted. Gov Palin destroys feminism by being a happy wife, mother and Governor w/o nepotism. A self made woman in a manly man’s world was the feminag dream and now their worst nightmare. She makes the National Organization of Broads obsolete. So what if she doesn’t speak DC spin fluently. She ain’t there to woo the self-absorbed pundicRats.
Gov. Palin will drain the trough in the District of Corruption and root out the Hogs that caused this meltdown. Of course there will be resistance, but even though she’s hated by the usual enemies, as a woman she will be harder to attack politically. Unlike Obummer who is up to his feminine neck in corruption, deflecting his guilt like Jackie Chan some will stick. Sarah Palin and the Sheriff can throw these corrupt politicians behind bars although Dodd, Frank, Raines and Johnson would look good decorating some DC Lampposts. She can start naming the crooks now and give them a taste of what they are in store over the next 4 years. Then there will be an crisp Alaskan Breeze blowing over the gaseous swamp bringing a breath of fresh air from Foxy Lady Palin.
Pray for W, Gov Palin and Our Troops
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24th comment in on a freeper thread had me LOL, ROFL, LMFAO, etc.

"Still not voting for Romney."

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the freepi have settled down into a groove now; shorter groove: we're not sure what she's doing or why, except that it's certainly love of country/love of family/love of God based, caused by the horrid liberal press/horrid liberal bloggers, and one of the shrewdest moves in political history. all at once and also too as well.

shorter bill kristol: yes she's jumped out of the plane she was piloting and yes her passengers will die, but maybe not and who cares, and yes she's forgotten her parachute, but perhaps not and who needs one, and yes she's headed for a hard landing in a parking lot, but maybe there'll be a pillow. all things considered, I wouldn't bet against her.

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also too

I got your change right here, you betcha...

Goin' Heavy Metal

I'm goin' HEAVY METAL, that's right, dammit, gonna call myself "Pablo Barracuda." Yeah. Bite the heads off vampire bats. Well, that's not really a tattoo. Got worried this morning 'coz it looked so bad. ER Doctor says, "well, it looks like you're TRANSFORMING or something, but it's just gravity acting on the bruise from your fracture." Nuts. I wanted my whole body to turn purple like that...(drifting off...Pablo Barracuda....)

they have the talking about integrity thing down like Jesus, it's the doing of integrity that needs some work

DIEwapoDIE

"I do not normally respond to stories but this one has created enough of a stir that I wanted to take the time to reaffirm our commitment, first and foremost, to our journalism and our integrity."

"We were planning to do a series of dinners and had requested newsroom participation but with parameters such that we did not in any way compromise our integrity."

"And we will begin to do live events in ways that enhance our reputation and in no way call into question our integrity." -Katherine Weymouth, wapo publisher

see this is all a big misunderstanding, "parameters" were involved, "parameters" my good fellow. ..thanks much wapo, for so generously participating in your demise. it's like you were invited to your own funeral and not only do you bring flowers, but also extra shovels, a spare coffin, and a dance band. hit it boys.